Gender Discrimination - band 7
It is true, that some professions favor men or women, because of their gender, and due to this, there are a lot of male or female-dominant workplaces. My personal believe is, that both women, and men, should be able to apply any job they want to, no matter what the job is.
Both males and females should be able to work in any profession, because we should not discriminate anyone by their gender. In addition, both men and women can educate themselves equally, so why should there be professions only for men or women. Furthermore, it is beneficial to the workplace to have both women and men working there, because it brings variety to the workplace. To give an example, I work in health care, that is known to have more female than male employees, and I feel that working atmosphere is better, when there are both genders in the workplace.
There are some professions that require certain kinds of qualities in a man or in a woman, for example physical or mental strength, intelligence, or patience to name a few. However, these qualities can be found both in males or females, or at least they can educate or train themselves to be better at those qualities. However, I think that job standards should be the same for everyone. For example, if a woman wants to be a policeman, the physical standards should be the same as for men, because she is applying for a job that is physically demanding. Also, if a man wants to work in children day care, he has to be caring and maternal so that he can take care of the children.
In conclusion, females and males should be entitled to apply any profession they want, but they also should have those qualities that are required to be working in those certain professions. Nowadays men and women are considered to be equal in so many different things, so it is a shame that they cannot apply to the same jobs.
This is a good answer that makes the writer's position clear. A balanced argument with some supporting examples has been presented. (7)
Coherence & Cohesion
There is an overall progression and development and ideas are organised into paragraphs well. An ability to use a wide range of linkers effectively and appropriately has been demonstrated. (7)
A good range of vocabulary to talk about this topic has been used with an awareness of collocation. There are only one or two instances of imprecise word choices. (7)
Grammatical Range & Accuracy
A variety of structures has been used with some flexibility and accuracy. Errors are infrequent and there is good overall control. (7.5)
Overall Comment - how to improve
This is a good essay, especially in terms of lexis and grammar. More examples could be included to make the main points even stronger.