Crime - band 7
It is believed by some that out of the huge number of criminals, only a small proportion of them execute it intentionally and most of them do it considering it as necessary. Thus, police and punishment system do not have to do in decreasing prevalence of crimes. In my opinion, I totally agree with the statement and will provide reasons why is this so.
To begin, certain situations that some people had, makes them vulnerable to commit crimes. This means that either a person has a well-off or poorly deprived socio-economic and family status, creates a significant impact to his or her decision to engage in crimes. Consequently, those with depressed situations affect their contentment in lives and caused them to get involve in unlawful activities such as robbery, kidnapping, drug pushing and even murdering. For example, a recent study conducted by Scene of the Crime Operatives in the Philippines showed that 88% of the robbers stated that they commit such crime because of poverty.
Furthermore, the policing and prison system became less effective if the criminals are more motivated to perform crimes. This is due to the fact that despite the effort that the government has implemented to decrease crimes such as putting up of CCTVs and assigning more police in an area, there is still a high criminal activity rate recorded. In addition, current punishment methods need to be more rigorous such as more years of imprisonment or even capital punishment to deter the criminals from committing crimes. For instance, a study conducted by Crime Patrol in China showed that 46% of the criminals are known repeat offender.
In conclusion, crime became a constant problem because of innate situations that some people had, making them at greater risk in becoming a criminal. As a result, this motivation, makes policing methods to be irrelevant in lessening circumstances of crime. In my view, I fully agree with these current scene and this should be prioritized by authorities to create a more peaceful society to live in.
(336 words)
Task Achievement
This essay has some relevant ideas on the topic, which are logically developed and presented and supported using specific examples. (7.5)
Coherence & Cohesion
The overall structure of your essay is perfect, and you have demonstrated the ability to use a wide range of linkers to create cohesion in your writing. (8.5)
Lexical Resource
Some appropriate language is used, however accuracy could be improved, particularly in relation to correct use of discourse markers. (7)
Grammatical Range & Accuracy
A variety of grammar structures has been attempted, but control is a little erratic and accuracy needs to be improved for a higher band score. (7)
Overall Comment - how to improve
This essay includes some good ideas which are supported well. However, a higher level of accuracy is needed to improve the overall potential score.
